Self-compassion: why being kind to yourself makes change easier

“Pull yourself together.” “Typical, again.” “Other people manage it.” Many people talk to themselves more harshly than they would ever talk to a friend. Behind this is often the belief that harshness drives us forward. Research paints a different picture: people who treat themselves kindly are more likely to keep going.

Why setbacks are part of every change is the topic of our article Change takes time. This one is about how to deal with them.

What self-compassion is

The American psychologist Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin brought the concept into research. She describes three parts, each with an opposite pole¹:

• Kindness rather than self-judgement. Being warm and understanding towards yourself when something goes wrong or you feel inadequate.
• Common humanity rather than isolation. Recognising that difficulties and mistakes are part of being human. Others experience them too.
• Mindfulness rather than over-identification. Noticing thoughts and feelings as they are, without being completely swept up in them.

So self-compassion is neither self-pity nor an excuse. It is the attitude you naturally take towards a good friend, applied to yourself.

Self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem

In a study of more than 2,000 participants, Kristin Neff and the Dutch psychologist Roos Vonk compared self-compassion with classic self-esteem. Self-compassion went along with a more stable sense of self-worth that depended less on particular successes. It was more strongly linked to less social comparison. And unlike high self-esteem, it was not associated with narcissism².

That matters for change: self-esteem that lives on successes wobbles with every setback. Self-compassion carries you precisely then.

What research shows

A meta-analysis by researchers at the University of Mannheim and SRH University Heidelberg combined 79 samples with more than 16,000 people. Self-compassion was clearly associated with well-being (r = 0.47), most strongly with psychological well-being (r = 0.62)³. These are associations, not proof of cause and effect.

That self-compassion does not make people complacent is shown by four experiments by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen at the University of California, Berkeley. People who treated themselves kindly after a mistake were more motivated to do better, and after failing a test they studied longer for the second attempt⁴.

Can it be learned?

Yes. Kristin Neff and the Harvard psychologist Christopher Germer developed an eight-week programme called Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC). In a randomised study, self-compassion increased much more in the programme group than in the waiting-list group, as did mindfulness and well-being. The effects were still present after six months and after one year. A limitation: the groups were small (25 and 27 people)⁵.

A meta-analysis of 27 randomised trials confirms the picture. Self-compassion exercises reduced rumination, self-criticism and stress, among other things, and gains in self-compassion were maintained later on. The authors point to possible bias from unpublished studies⁶.

A short exercise for difficult moments

A simple pause that takes just a minute can be derived from Neff’s three parts:

• What am I feeling right now? Name the feeling, for example “I’m disappointed in myself.” How to do this more precisely is described in Learning to name feelings.
• Who else knows this? Remind yourself: many people experience exactly this. I am not alone with it.
• What would I say to a good friend? Then say that sentence to yourself.
• What do I need now? A break, a conversation, a small next step?

The voice of the inner critic does not disappear. But it gets a counter-voice. How to bring both sides into conversation is shown by the two-chair dialogue in our article Resolving inner conflicts.

Our ideas for MindMotion

MindMotion is not therapy and does not offer it. The app is a tool for psychological self-reflection, closer to coaching. From the findings above we derive ideas that are planned and will be tested with users.

• The self-compassion pause. After a setback or a hard day, the app guides you through the four questions above in one minute.
• Translating the tone. You write down a harsh sentence you say to yourself. The app helps you rephrase it the way you would say it to a friend.
• You are not alone. For each pattern, the app explains how common such experiences are, based on research, not on other users’ data.
• A kind tone from the start. The app itself speaks the way we would like our own inner dialogue to sound: clear, honest and benevolent.
• What went well? In the weekly check-in, the app asks not only about difficulties but also about what you can be proud of.

What hidden benefits old patterns have is covered in The hidden benefits of old patterns. And if you want to see which patterns are at work for you, try the Mind-Check.