New relationship experiences: how we relearn old beliefs about ourselves
“I am only liked if I achieve something.” Sentences like this develop in relationships, and that is where they change too. An overview of what psychotherapy research and everyday studies show about corrective relational experiences, and why small, self-chosen steps make such a difference.
In short
- Expectations like “I am only liked if I achieve” were learned in relationships. They loosen mainly through new experiences, not through insight alone.
- Psychotherapy has known this since 1946 as the “corrective emotional experience”. Today it is seen as a change factor across many approaches.
- It works in everyday life too: in long-term studies, good partnerships and friendships go along with higher self-esteem and more emotional stability.
- Old expectations protect themselves, because the protective behaviour prevents new experiences. That is why waiting rarely helps.
- Like training a muscle: start small, repeat, build up slowly. An if-then plan makes the first step more likely.
“I am only liked if I achieve something.” People who feel this way usually didn’t learn it from a book, but from many small moments with important people. That is exactly why such a sentence can rarely be thought away. You can understand it, know where it comes from, and still flinch at the next criticism. What really changes it is new experience: the moment someone stays kind although you admit a mistake. The evening when you achieve nothing and are still liked. This article explains what research knows about such new relationship experiences, in therapy and in everyday life, and why it pays to start them actively and in small steps.
Sound familiar?
When you don’t achieve anything for a while, you tend to expect others to be disappointed in you.
Then you carry an expectation about relationships: affection comes in exchange for achievement. Such expectations are learned, and what is learned can be relearned.
Good. Then you trust others to like you without achievement too.
What a new relationship experience is
The term was coined in 1946 by the Hungarian-American psychoanalyst Franz Alexander and his Chicago colleague Thomas French. They spoke of the corrective emotional experience: a person lives through a situation they could not handle in the past once more, but under more favourable conditions, and has a different experience than back then. Some of their proposals, such as therapists deliberately playing a counter-role, were controversial. The basic idea has prevailed1.
The American psychotherapy researchers Louis Castonguay (Penn State University) and Clara Hill (University of Maryland) edited a volume on it in 2012, with contributions from cognitive behavioural, humanistic and psychodynamic approaches. Their definition: a corrective experience is one in which a person comes to understand or feel a situation or a relationship in a different, unexpected way. It is surprising, contradicts earlier experiences and often has a profound effect12. As early as 1980, the American psychologist Marvin Goldfried had described such experiences as a change factor found in all schools of therapy1.
The word relationship matters. Many of our most stubborn sentences about ourselves are really expectations of others: “If I show weakness, they will turn away.” “If I say no, I won’t be wanted any more.” “If I don’t deliver, I am worth nothing.” Where such sentences come from is described in detail in Self-worth: where it comes from and how it shapes our relationships.
Why understanding alone is rarely enough
Old expectations have an awkward property: they protect themselves. If you believe you are only liked for achievement, you achieve more, never ask for help and hide mistakes. That is understandable, because it protects you from disappointment. But it prevents exactly the experience that could disprove the sentence. Nobody gets the chance to show that they like you without achievement. In the end, the old sentence even seems confirmed.
The Marburg psychologist Winfried Rief and his team have worked out this principle for psychotherapy. Their conclusion: psychological treatments work better when people have experiences that contradict their unhelpful expectations, and when these experiences are well planned. Whether such an experience changes anything depends on several things, such as how big the contradiction is, where you direct your attention and whether you explain the new experience away (“that was surely just luck”)10. This is an important message: a good experience has to be noticed and held on to, otherwise it slides off the old sentence.
The old loopThe expectation protects itself
- 1Expectation
“I am only liked if I achieve something.”
- 2Protection
Achieve more, never ask for help, hide mistakes.
- 3Result
Nobody gets the chance to show the opposite.
- 4Confirmation
“See, all that counts is what I deliver.”
and round again
The new loopAn experience contradicts it
- 1Small step
Ask for help once, or admit a mistake.
- 2Surprise
The reaction is kinder than feared.
- 3Noticing
Deliberately note what really happened.
- 4The sentence loosens
“Maybe I don’t have to earn everything.”
next step, a little bigger
Start small, then build upExample for the sentence “I am only liked if I achieve”
- 1Accept a compliment and just say “thank you”
- 2Ask for one small thing
- 3Openly admit a small mistake
- 4Spend an evening achieving nothing and say so honestly
- 5Voice a need of your own, even if it takes effort for others
Small exercise
Fear or experience?
Read the fear and think for a moment about how it would really turn out. Then tap the card to turn it over.
0 of 4 cards turned
Of course it doesn’t always go well. But old fears are often stricter than reality. The only way to find out is to try, in small steps.
In therapy: the relationship as a practice space
In psychotherapy, the relationship with the therapist is often the first place where an old expectation is put to the test. There are several influential approaches to this.
Weiss and Sampson: people test their expectations. The American psychoanalysts Joseph Weiss and Harold Sampson founded a research group in San Francisco from which control-mastery theory emerged. Their assumption: people come to therapy to master their difficulties, even if they are not fully aware of it. Their problems go back to unhelpful beliefs that stem from early experiences. In therapy they unconsciously check whether the old experience repeats itself, for example by putting the therapist in a role that a parent once had. If the therapist reacts differently than feared, they “pass” the test, and according to the group’s observations people often feel noticeably better afterwards3.
Grawe: meeting needs within the relationship. The Bern psychotherapy researcher Klaus Grawe and his colleague Christine Stucki describe motive-oriented relationship building. Therapists deliberately align their behaviour with a person’s most important needs: attachment, orientation and control, pleasure, and self-worth. Someone who expects to be valued only for achievement, for example, experiences appreciation in therapy that is not tied to achievement. The approach builds on Franz Caspar’s plan analysis4.
What people themselves report. A new study from Israel and the UK interviewed 57 people who had had short-term psychodynamic therapy for depression, on average three years after it ended. The researchers around Liat Leibovich and Sigal Zilcha-Mano found 21 corrective relational experiences and grouped them into four types: feeling empathically accompanied, being accepted instead of criticised, understanding something anew, and being encouraged to discover one’s own strengths. Those who described such experiences also reported treating themselves more kindly. And their depressive symptoms eased faster during therapy. The study’s title sums it up: “I too deserve good”5.
Sound familiar?
Asking for help is hard for you because you don’t want to be a burden.
This is often where the catch lies: if you never ask, you never experience that others are glad to help. So the old expectation stays untested.
Good. Then you have often experienced that asking is okay. That is a valuable relationship experience.
That the relationship in therapy matters is well established. A meta-analysis by Christoph Flückiger, Bruce Wampold and colleagues with 295 studies and more than 30,000 people shows a clear link between a solid working relationship and therapy outcome6. What this means for an app that does not replace a therapist is described in Relationship first: what an app can learn from it.
In everyday life: partnership, friendship, work
Corrective experiences don’t only happen in therapy. We have most of them in perfectly ordinary life.
A first partnership changes personality. The Jena psychologist Franz Neyer and Judith Lehnart followed young adults in Germany for eight years. Those who entered a first steady partnership during that time became, on average, more emotionally stable, less shy and gained self-esteem. In a second group the pattern showed again, though more weakly7. So relationships shape us not only in childhood but later too.
Partners can reduce old insecurity. The American attachment researchers Ximena Arriaga (Purdue University) and Jeffry Simpson (University of Minnesota) and colleagues describe a model for this. Anxious insecurity (“Will I be left?”) decreases mainly in situations that strengthen your own confidence. Avoidant insecurity (“I’d rather rely only on myself”) decreases mainly when you experience that it is good to rely on someone. Their conclusion: attachment is not fixed but keeps emerging anew in close relationships8.
It works both ways. A meta-analysis by Michelle Harris and Ulrich Orth with 52 long-term studies and more than 47,000 people shows that good relationships strengthen self-esteem, and stable self-esteem improves relationships9. This can build up, for better or for worse.
In everyday life these are often inconspicuous moments: a colleague says thank you although the project wasn’t perfect. A friend says “Sure, happy to” when you ask for help. Your partner stays when you say no for the first time. How hard exactly that no is for many people, and which patterns lie behind it, is described in Learning to say no: the inner patterns behind the yes.
Sound familiar?
When someone stays kind even though you made a mistake, you think: that was an exception.
Then a good experience is quickly explained away. Researchers see exactly this as one reason why new experiences sometimes have no effect. It helps to note them deliberately.
Good. Then a good experience is allowed to reach you and change something.
Active instead of waiting
You cannot force good experiences. But you can make them more likely to happen. If you wait for others to change, you often stay in the old loop: the protective behaviour stays, and with it the old expectation.
The Canadian-American psychologist Albert Bandura (Stanford University) showed as early as 1977 how confidence develops. He described four sources: your own successes, the example of others, encouragement and how your body feels. In his studies, what people had done and experienced themselves strengthened their confidence more clearly than merely watching, and they transferred it to new situations11. Applied to relationships, this means: most changes when you take the step yourself and experience what happens.
Being active does not mean overdoing it. Rief’s team stresses that the experience has to fit the person. If the step is too big, it can even confirm the old fear10. That is why the size of the step matters so much.
Sound familiar?
You tend to avoid situations that might show whether people like you without achievement.
That is understandable, because it protects you from disappointment. The price: the old expectation never gets a chance to be disproved.
Then you already venture into situations that can show you something new. That is exactly how new experiences arise.
Like a muscle: start small, then build up
A picture helps: new relationship experiences are like training a muscle. Nobody starts at the gym with the heaviest weight. You start with what works, repeat it and slowly add more. This is a comparison, not a research finding. But research supports the principle behind it.
Repetition takes time. The health psychologist Phillippa Lally and her team at University College London followed people who wanted to build a new habit. It took a median of 66 days until the new behaviour felt automatic, ranging from 18 to 254 days depending on the person. Skipping a day did little harm12. So setbacks are part of it. More on this in Change takes time.
A plan makes the first step more likely. The Konstanz and New York psychologist Peter Gollwitzer has studied if-then plans for decades. A meta-analysis with Paschal Sheeran covering 94 studies found that people who decide in advance “If situation X occurs, then I will do Y” reach their goals considerably more often than people who only have a goal. The effect was medium to large13.
For the sentence “I am only liked if I achieve”, a staircase could look like the one in the diagram above: first accept a compliment without playing it down, then ask for something small, then admit a small mistake. Each step is a small relationship experience. And each one makes the next a little easier.
Training
Which weight fits today?
Like training a muscle: the right step challenges you a little but doesn’t overwhelm you. Pick the sentence that feels most familiar and set how much courage you have today.
Which sentence sounds familiar?
Your step for today
Plan this stepYour plan
Plan your first small step
Three short questions, then you have an if-then plan. Plans like this make it much more likely that you actually take the step.
Question 1 of 3
When does the opportunity come up?
Please choose an answer.
Question 2 of 3
What do you do then?
Please choose an answer.
Question 3 of 3
How much do you fear a bad reaction right now?
6 / 10
Please choose an answer.
Your if-then plan
If , then .
Your fear beforehand
Afterwards: note what really happened and compare it with your fear. This comparison is exactly what makes the new experience stick.
Your plan stays on this page. Nothing is stored or sent.
Sound familiar?
You tend to wait for something in your relationships to change by itself rather than try a small step yourself.
Waiting is comfortable but rarely effective. New experiences arise most reliably when you start them yourself, small and doable.
Good. Then you are already active and try things out. That is the best starting point.
How MindMotion picks this up
MindMotion is built so that you don’t only understand, but also experience something new. You start with a concrete scene from your life and go inwards step by step: what did you wish for, what did you fear, how did you protect yourself, and where do you know this from? This makes the old expectation visible, in your own words. How exactly that works is described in Resolving inner conflicts.
Then comes the active part. At the end there is an if-then plan for the next similar situation, and in everyday life small Moves accompany you: tasks of two to six minutes that are deliberately kept small. For the pattern “Being enough”, one example is: “Accept a compliment without playing it down.” For other patterns: “Ask someone for one small thing” or “Say your opinion once, even if it differs”. Each of these Moves is a small opportunity for a new relationship experience. In the weekly check you then look at how it went. It pays to note deliberately what was different from what you feared. In this way, single experiences gradually turn into a new expectation.
Why MindMotion relies on small steps and real experiences, and where the limits of an app lie, is honestly assessed in What makes change work. You can try it directly in the app, without signing up.
Your short review
0 of 5 questions answered
You’ll find five short questions in this article. Answer them and your review appears here.
You seem to have many good relationship experiences already and to look after them actively. Perhaps there is still one area where an old expectation runs in the background, for example at work or in your family.
You know some of this. Some old expectations about relationships are still running in you. A good start: pick one small situation this week where you do something differently, and look closely at what happens.
You know much of this well. Old expectations protect you, but they also keep you from experiencing anything new. That can change, not all at once, but in small steps that you choose yourself.
Do you want to plan your first small step?
No problem. The article stays here. And if you like: this week, try one single small step from the staircase above and note what really happened.
Your answers stay on this page. Nothing is stored or sent. This is not a test or a diagnosis, just a prompt for reflection.
Frequently asked questions
What is a corrective relational experience?
An experience that contradicts an old expectation about yourself or others, in a surprising and tangible way. For example, when someone stays kind although you admit a mistake and you had expected disaster. The term goes back to the psychoanalysts Franz Alexander and Thomas French (1946). Today it is seen as a change factor that plays a part in many forms of therapy.
Can new relationship experiences work outside therapy too?
Yes. Long-term studies show that good relationships strengthen self-esteem and that, for example, a first steady partnership goes along with more emotional stability and higher self-esteem. Attachment researchers describe how partners can reduce old insecurities over time through reliable responses. Friendships and good colleagues can make such experiences possible too.
Why isn’t it enough just to understand a pattern?
Because expectations about relationships were learned mainly through experience, and they are relearned through experience too. If you understand where a sentence like “I am only liked if I achieve” comes from, you can check whether it holds today. It often only really loosens once you experience the opposite, and more than once.
How do I start small?
Pick a situation that takes a little courage but is clearly doable, such as accepting a compliment or asking for something small. Note beforehand what you fear and afterwards what really happened. Repeat this and slowly build up. An if-then plan helps you not to put the step off.
When should I get professional help?
If old experiences weigh on you heavily, you have hardly felt joy for weeks or daily life no longer works, talk to your GP or a psychotherapist. In an acute crisis in Germany, TelefonSeelsorge is available around the clock on 0800 111 0 111.
Keep reading
Self-worth: where it comes from and how it shapes our relationships
“I am only worth something if I achieve.” Psychodynamic thinking has explained where such sentences come from for decades, and research confirms much of it. An overview of the roots in childhood, the consequences for relationships and everyday life, and what makes self-worth more stable.
Read more
Learning to say no: the inner patterns behind the yes
Agreeing although the calendar is full. Giving in to avoid a fight. Behind a missing no there are often inner conflicts. We show five typical patterns, their consequences from overload to relationships, and how to start at the root.
Read moreSources
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This article is for information only. MindMotion is a tool for psychological self-reflection and does not provide psychotherapy. Neither this article nor the app replaces assessment or treatment by a psychotherapist or doctor. If you have been struggling for a while, talk to your GP or a psychotherapy practice. If you are in an acute crisis in Germany, the TelefonSeelsorge is available free of charge around the clock at 0800 111 0 111 or 0800 111 0 222. In an emergency, call 112.